At the second Brew Talks last night, Associate Dean of the College of Liberal Arts Brian Simmons shared his recent experience with and tips for “how to pick the right church as a newly independent adult.”
After leaving his preaching position at the Metro Church of Christ in Gresham, OR, Simmons and his wife have spent the past six weeks visiting different churches in Edmond and the surrounding area. During his Brew Talks lecture, he shared his seven questions and tips for picking the right church.
1. What would you prefer a church to do or believe that is not a deal breaker?
“My wife and I, we prefer to find places that are racially and ethnically diverse—it’s kind of important to us. But if a church doesn’t have that, it’s not a deal breaker for us. It’s a preference. You have to ask yourself what’s a preference and what’s a deal breaker. That’s important, because often times people think everything’s a deal breaker. Although I was raised in a tradition and worshipping in a church that didn’t allow women to lead in certain roles, that’s not a deal breaker for me if they do. The deal is, I already know in my head what’s a deal breaker and what’s not.”
2. What is a deal breaker for you?
“Right now, one of our deal breakers is we want to find a church where we feel we can get involved in things. The church I’m attending right now, it’s really easy for my wife and I to sit back and be spectators of what is going on. For you, it may be some type of belief like, ‘They must teach this about baptism.’ I’m fine with that. Fun fact, if you want to be an adult, congratulations—this is what adults do. When you go to buy a house, you do the same thing. I prefer to have a gas fireplace, but it’s not a dealbreaker. But my house has to have a hot tub—that is a dealbreaker. That means you have to think a little bit about what you really do believe and what you think a church should be.”
3. Does this church in some way need me?
“See, this is the exact opposite question most people ask. John F. Kennedy said in his inaugural address back in 1961, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’ Most people, when they think about finding a church, they say, ‘What can the church do for me? Do they have a college ministry or not? Do they have attractive females or not?’ While all those things are important when talking about deal breakers, I want you to think about if they need you. That may be scary, because it means you might actually have to do something and not be a spectator.”
4. Are there any visible indications of the church’s dysfunction?
“Sometimes you can smell it when you walk through the door. It’s like coffee—you smell it when you walk in. If you see a sign of dysfunction, run. Some people think they might be the solution to the dysfunction, but what I’ve found is, more often than not, they get sucked up in the dysfunction. Or, worse, they end up participating in the dysfunction and make it worse.”
5. Does this church offer me a realistic opportunity to serve in God’s kingdom?
“That’s different than if they need you. I’m talking about if they need people your age. The church I come from back in Portland, there’s this hole. There are very few people who are married, single, widowed or divorced in their thirties. We need them. The problem is, when a thirtyish couple walks through the door, they look around for another thirtyish couple to hang with and go, ‘There’s no one here like me’ and they’re out the door. Serving meaningfully in God’s kingdom is where you see a place for you doing something. If you find a place that lets you start something, will you please start it?”
6. Are there barriers to me genuinely affiliating with this church?
“Here’s what I mean: you found a really great church in Piedmont, OK. Piedmont is a little bit of a drive from here, so once you get started, you start to think, ‘Man I don’t want to do this anymore.’ That’s a barrier. I know you. You like sleep. Think about what could become a barrier for you.”
7. What’s the fallout if I choose to worship at this place?
“You were raised in the church of Christ and it’s just not working out for you, so you decide to try out the Baptist church. What’s the fallout? How will your family react? What happens if you’re married and the church you’ve been going to just isn’t working for you?
“My point is, there can be fallout. Parents who jump from church to church wonder why their kids aren’t faithful when they leave the house, but it’s because they jumped around so much, their kids were never able to make friends in church. They ended up falling in with the wrong crowd. That’s fallout and you’ve got to think about that.
“People will always build their lives around something. Right now, it’s built around college stuff. Later, it might be your marriage or your kid’s soccer schedule. That’s all well and fine. My experience has been you’re better off building your life in such a way you have a church presence in your life. You can’t just drift or give up on it. You’re better than that. Don’t take the easy way out. Don’t fall out of habit of going, because it’s harder to go back.”
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